i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
