You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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