1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
