dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I need a burrito and a hug.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
