Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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