Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
