i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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