I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
