Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
