I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
