I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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