Im at strip club and am horny
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
