your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
