Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
