meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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