i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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