Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
