I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
