Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
