Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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