Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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