Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
