My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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