stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
