so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
