you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
