All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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