the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
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I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
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I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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