I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
this hospital has no fireball
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
