I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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