I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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