He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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