my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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