I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
