just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
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And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
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bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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