my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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