I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
