come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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