I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
