Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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