She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
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Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
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He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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