I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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