At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
