dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
