New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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