You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
