She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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