remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
