I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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