Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
