the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
