I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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