Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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