i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
