nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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