My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize