Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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