I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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