hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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