Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
