I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Randomize
