Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
